Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
