I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
