apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
