He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
