One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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