so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
