so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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