i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
