Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
