Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize