yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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