Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
