i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize