I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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