Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
