It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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