Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
