If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
