i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
