can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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