Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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