Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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