I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize