I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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