the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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