She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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