Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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