And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
