I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
its liver damage thursday
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
