Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
