Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
