You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
