mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
