A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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