We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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