i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
