It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
