I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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