someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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