Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
