by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
whose parrot is this?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
