were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
