I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
