THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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