Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
