im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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