I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
