My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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