Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize