my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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