it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize