I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
