I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
ugly people sure do ruin things
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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