my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
