It's like God shit irony all over that family
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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