The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
