i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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