I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
