I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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