Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
