You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
