Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
