Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
