dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
